I really felt the need to post these lyrics again. They speak so much to me every time I hear this song.

I really felt the need to post these lyrics again. They speak so much to me every time I hear this song.

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice (Come to Jesus)

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

...but on the bright side,

After I posted my last entry, Blogger presented me with an opportunity to make money from my blog by allowing Google to place ads related to my blog with Google AdSense.

The only thing I now wonder is what they would place in my blog. Anti-depressants? Armaments? Tranquilizers? Cages?

Food for thought.

It's hard to describe just how dark I feel right now. I almost leapt thru the computer screen to strangle Blogger when it dared to tell me that I had no blog associated with my account. Apparently Blogger didn't know how awful the day had been and thought it might be fun to toy with me. All is well on that front, as indicated by my typing here.

I can't quite describe why things are as bad as they are right now. But it's been long since I last felt this despondent, this dark, finding things this bleak. A very large part of it, I think, is having watched a friend struggle horribly this week. Her husband had a massive heart attack last Monday, June 25. So many of us banded together to pray for his recovery, and for a few (too) short hours, it seemed so promising. Rob started to recover, enough to kiss Aggie, to smile at her, to interact with her. But then things changed. All too suddenly, organs began to fail. And Aggie was faced with the horrible decision of what to do. She decided, after much prayer and struggle, to let Rob go.

I just feel that I failed her. I cannot think of any time in my life when I have prayed harder, more frequently, more fervently, or with more tears. I tried so hard to give her hope, but in the end, I did nothing. I feel empty, and I feel stupid for saying that, because Aggie is the one with true loss. All I did was fail.

But it's just hard to rebound from that feeling. That feeling that you put every little ounce of anything you had into something, just to watch someone, in the end, struggle so horribly and with so much pain. I do not regret for a second any time, energy, prayer, emotion, etc. that I spent, because I truly believe that Aggie will be a sister for life. But I just wish that I could have saved her this pain. And I wish that God would have.

I know that God's will is sovereign. I know that we will probably never understand His reasons. But it is so hard not to feel angry about this. God can heal anyone; why didn't He heal Rob? And please don't tell me that He has His reasons. I know that. I just feel cheated, because there was such hope there for a little bit. Why give that little bit of hope if, in the end, there is nothing more?

So I've cried most of today. Cried and raged. I've had no patience with the kids, and I feel like a horrible, angry, terrible, worthless mom. I know they are blessings, I know that so many are not able to have children. But selfishly, I just wanted to be able to lock myself away for a while today to cry and rage and sob and sleep. And you cannot do that when you children continue to pick on each other, antagonize each other, cry about each other picking on them, and fuss about every little thing. If this is sibling rivalry, I honestly think that I might not survive it. I now know why pharmacists created Xanex and Valium. I have to believe those would help.

I just feel angry and horribly sad and I have no where to put those emotions. I talked to Adam on the phone for a while today and just couldn't explain it. I don't think he could understand why I was so horribly depressed, and I guess I can't adequately explain it. All I know is that it was probably last summer, the last time I felt this lost.

"Living Hallelujah," Sarah Kelly

Who am I?
That you came to Earth for me
To die on a tree
Who are you?
Son of Man, Son of God
Yes I believe its true
More than words I bring to you
May all I say and may all I do

Be Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah to my king
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallellujah

All of me
I surrender completely
Take control
I want all of you and I am letting go
I am healed and Im forgiven
I am free because Im living

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah to my king
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah

Its all so clear
Its all so clear
I was born to worship
Its all so clear
Its all so clear
I was born to worship

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah

"Lord Have Mercy" lyrics

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that you have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart i follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from you
Now i am returning to your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love you again

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have longed to know you & your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before you in the goodness of your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

Still Here Waiting - Todd Agnew

It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

You say, "Come home" and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice (Come to Jesus)

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!