Diving right in...I hope: Thoughts on prison.

It's been quite a month now. God's done some amazing work in me and I know that He is pushing me to do some work too. Quite frankly, I'm scared.

Adam and I went out to dinner with some good friends about a month ago. Awesome, fun, Godly people. We got into a political debate on the way home with me standing firmly on my Obama ground, the other three standing firmly behind McCain. We talked about economics, the welfare system, the war(s), and that hot-button issue abortion. I have always, always stood behind freedom of choice, largely because of issues in my past. I have never had an abortion, but I have had an experience that cemented in my mind the wisdom of having that option available for those who have been victims of violent crimes. These people challenged my thinking that night. We finished our debate on friendly grounds and went our separate ways.

The next day, I was driving to work when God almost literally reached down and slapped me. Do I love life as God gives it? Yes. Do I love babies? Yes. Do I believe in adoption? Yes...I haven't given up on the thought that we might be able to adopt in the future. Do I believe in the sanctity of life? Absolutely. But here I was blindly accepting the legality of eradicating wee lives because of something in my past that has controlled me without my knowing. I have been so blinded by what happened to me years ago that my life has been steered by it, my decisions have been made on the basis of that history without me realizing it. How can that happen? How can an intelligent woman be so blindly driven by something in her past?

I think we all are, to a certain extent. Certainly our environments growing up form and shape us and our beliefs. God just opened my eyes to the way I was blindly making choices that go against my core beliefs, and all on the basis of one violent act committed years ago.

The next day I emailed my friend to tell her what had happened that morning. I wanted her to know what incredible change had been wrought by God, all as a result of our debate the night before. We ended up having a multi-hour conversation in which I shared what had happened in my past and she in hers. That God would see fit to bring someone into my life who could not only empathize but KNEW the horror of that act and the fallout it brings. I love her dearly for being so open with me and for listening to me cry, and I hope she reads this someday and knows to whom I refer.

But God didn't stop there. Two days later, I got together with a friend in the park and had lunch. We starting talking, as we always do. We ended up on the subject of eating disorders, obviously something in my past. I never ever would have guessed that my friend has struggled and still struggles with the entangling web of thoughts that an eating disorder weaves. For years I've considered myself cured, and I still do. And what a blessing that has been, because so many victims of eating disorders do not ever fully recover. But Satan still sees fit to trip me up every now and then with a thought of, "wouldn't life be better/happier/easier/more wonderful if I were thinner?" Thankfully I've not been pulled back in. But it is a reminder that eating disorders might not ever completely go away, leaving their trail of thoughts behind like a wound that festers over time. I'd always just thought of my friend as an incredibly fit, slender woman...it never ever dawned on me that she might share my past struggles.

I think I was just amazed that within the period of two days, God had brought two friends to me who collectively shared three of my greatest battles and the wounds therefrom: anorexia, depression, and rape. He is so loving, and so kind, and I am still choked by the kindness of these two friends in sharing their battles with me. I don't feel quite so alone. It's one thing to talk to your husband about your struggles, and Adam has become a good listener. But it is completely different to talk to a fellow victim about the fallout, the fear, the crushing blow to who you used to be, the blame, the terror, the anger, the hatred, the violence,and how you fear never again being who you were.

So, guided by a friend, I'm in the process of seeking help through counseling. Truly, I want to be free. I don't want my life to be controlled by fear and darkness as it has been for so long. I want more of me to be available to God. I've shut so much of me off for so long without even realizing it. And honestly? yes...I'm terrified to have this out there. Who will read it and view me differently? Who will think me a freak for having this out there? Who won't feel comfortable talking to me anymore? And how will I keep from crying if anyone brings this up? Because I cry just typing it out. I've tried for so, so many years to keep my emotions inside. If people are nice to me about a hard subject, I shut myself off and don't allow myself to feel. After Adam's affair, when I saw my awesome dr for the first time after it all came out (the office knew b/c I'd called, sobbing, saying that I thought I needed a stronger anti-depressant), he came in and said,"I'm sorry, Sarah. You don't deserve this." I actually begged him to say something mean so that I wouldn't cry. I can't handle people being nice to me about bad things in my life b/c I try so, so hard not to cry, and kindness brings me to tears every time.

So, yes, obviously a lot of work ahead of me. But I am so grateful to God for bringing me to this point, and I just pray that He will bring me through. I am under no illusion that this will be easy. It will be ugly, dirty, incredibly hard, and Satan will be there the whole time, trying to lure me back with my comfortable old thoughts of me not being worth the work, of nothing changing, of God not loving me that much, of my husband and family not loving me that much, of anger over past hurts. But I have to do this, because I can't take this prison anymore.

Wow...sure haven't posted here in a long time, huh? Maybe that's good...I've noticed that I tend to post when things are bleak and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about them. It's been a crazy 6.5 months since I last posted. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in early May after a 6 month bout with incredible pain and fatigue. I count myself very lucky in getting diagnosed so quickly. I thank my wonderfully progressive and open-minded doctor for that. We experimented with various prescriptions for the fibro for about three months until I started reading up about more holistic ways to deal with the illness. I tried Flexeril and Lyrica, along with the prozac I had been taking for depression. But it dawned on me that I've never really tried just taking care of myself to see what my body could do with that. There's always been one thing or another in the way - anorexia, college goals, law school, hectic work, three babies in a row, depression, debilitating migraines, marriage in crisis...you get the picture.

I read a book by the name of Foods That Fight Pain by Dr. Neal Barnard. While he is a vegan and therefore may be considered to have an agenda, the information contained in the book was well-researched and well-presented. A lot of the migraine information was consistent with what I'd learned other places but never had the energy to implement. However, body-wide pain that keeps you from standing or walking upright and crippling fatigue are powerful motivators.

So in late may, early June I started exercising daily. I started with 5 minutes of walking and added one minute/day. I'm now up to 60 minutes a day of cardiovascular exercise. I ride, I walk, I use the elliptical, and one of these days I'll throw in swimming for kicks and giggles. I am also doing strength training 3-5x/week. In July, I weaned myself off of all of the medications I was taking and started adding in some supplements that my research indicated have helped others {I do love my geeky research :-) } Each day, I'm now taking about 2400 mg Malic Acid, 1.5 g Magnesium, a Shaklee multi (Vita-Lea with iron), Calcium, a B supplement, Ginseng, Folic Acid, and a few others I can't remember (yes, I rattle when I walk now). I am also (mostly) following a vegan diet. My weaknesses are both surprising and unsurprising (surprising that I couldn't resist taking a bite of a brat, unsurprising that I cave and get a mocha from time to time and find myself daydreaming about medium-rare steaks).

Long story short, it is working for me right now. I still have bad days, but they make me appreciate the better days more. It is hard not to get discouraged when I feel like I am doing everything I can but still get hit with days on which I can't straighten up or even seem to get out of bed. On those days, I just pray for relief, patience, and the energy to keep doing what I need to do.

Part II, hopefully to come soon, will be about all of the great things God is doing in my life. Until then, though, please take care of yourself. Take care of yourself the same way you take care of your child when they are young and sick and fully dependent upon you...with love, gentleness, and the utmost of concern.