Just a little more valuable.

It's been such a long time since I last posted. It dawned on me, and was pointed out to me by a friend, that I tend to blog about my struggles. And yes, that is a good thing. To work through emotional struggles in writing, to consider the comments made by people who read my ramblings. But I should blog about positive things as well, lest you all think I'm about to off myself (joke!)

Sorry, but today I have another struggle. I was reading the alumni report from my law school today. I never usually do that...the report finds itself quickly filed in our circular vertical file. No time, no inclination. But I read it today. And maybe I now know why I don't usually read alumni reports.

It was full of the information you would expect to find in an alumni report. Short blurbs on the great feats of various alumni. I am not being facetious. Some of the people who have graduated from IU Law in years past have been doing phenomenal things. Moving to India to work on teaching economic self-sufficiency to people struggling through indentured servitude. Working in Northern Europe to help preserve the global environment. Teaching women and children to break the bonds of slavery and poverty in some African nations.

And I had to wonder what I've been doing with my life. I feel like I had such potential to do incredible things. God gave me such gifts. He gave me the ability to quickly learn and retain foreign languages. He gave me a hunger to travel globally. He gave me intelligence and a phenomenal memory.

What have I done with those gifts? I have to wonder if I've wasted them all. I know that I shouldn't crave power or success in this world, but when you are a partner in a law firm, or when you lead your own global effort to end poverty, people know that you are smart, able, and a darn hard worker. I...am a mom.

I know, I know, I know. Being a mom is the hardest job. Staying at home with them means I won't look back in future years and miss the time I didn't spend with them while I was working. And I do know that they benefit from me being home...they have the freedom to engage in any extracurricular activity they want, because I can take them. I can take them to the library during the day and play checkers. I can spend hours purusing the Magic Tree House section in the library because we have nothing but time. I can take them to the museum, gardens, or zoo when the facilities are less crowded (during the weekday, of course) because I am always here. I know that those are more important to them than more money as a result of mom working, or than the status mom gains in others' eyes because mom is an attorney (by golly, she must be smart and a hard worker!)

I just feel like I've failed in some aspect. I totaled up thousands of dollars in loans for law school. I truly loved my slightly-over-one-year tenure as an attorney in the firm. I'd found my professional home. Then I left to raise my baby, who quickly gained two siblings, and I never went back. Could I in the future? Perhaps, but then what about my children, who I really feel need someone to come home to when they are older.

I guess I miss feeling intelligent. I miss practicing law. I miss feeling like I produce valuable work. The group I practiced with was phenomenal at providing feedback ("great job...just what I needed") that made me feel effective. I felt that I had great rapport with the other attorneys in the practice group...I actually enjoyed going to work, and I felt good coming home at the end of the day.

I have to be careful not to let my yearnings paint the perfect picture...of course there were problems. There were days I struggled. There was one 25.5 hour day. There were days I would close my door and hope certain attorneys didn't knock. (But I had a door to close!!!! Ohhhhhhhhh to have a door to close now...!) But you know? As bad as this makes me sound, I was an attorney. I was what I had worked hard for for seven years. I was what I had aspired to be for nine years. I met my goal, enjoyed the fruits for a little over one year, and then...left.

Am I doing what God wants me to do? How do I know? I'm dense. Though intelligence, I am dense. I need God to erect a billboard outside my bedroom window telling me what he wants me to do. (The neighbors might complain, but at least I'd have my guidance.) Am I wasting my gifts? If I started taking classes, would I feel better? If I volunteered in a legal capacity, would I feel better? If I volunteered, traveled, and learned, would I feel better? That wouldn't pay off my student loans, but maybe I'd feel a little smarter. A little more valuable.

I need help, God. I just don't know the answer.