One of the best descriptions of depression that I've seen...

...particularly the bit about forgetting to fight and needing reasons to survive...

"Paradise"

once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight... to fight

and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise

as darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light... her light

and it's one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it's one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright... alright

don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

[chorus]

once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been

The Monster

I wonder whether anyone has considered that depression might very well be a monster that eats at your very soul, the substance of who you are, until you are nothing more than a shell. So hollowed out that were someone to place a candle inside you, the glow would shine out through your thin covering. Or, conversely, so that the world can see when your light no longer shines.

Mine certainly has been snuffed out by darkness creeping throughout my mind. How else to describe the insidious tentacles of depression that burrow into my thoughts, my personality, everything that makes me Me. It poisons every thought, every moment. Driving down the road becomes a question of whether you could just keep driving and escape. Thoughts of escape turn to the realization that it would be an escape for your family as well, because surely they deserve so much better than I can offer. I've tried for years to get out from under this monster, and it just goes nowhere. It sits there, waiting for negativity on which to feed. Something to make it grow bigger until it can eclipse my very being. Any negative thought will do.

Usually my combination of faith and an antidepressant successfully combat the darkness. But I've been without the medicine for a couple of days now, and I feel so miserably faulty in every aspect of my life that I think surely God must have turned His back to avoid seeing how awful I am. It's hard to accept that anyone could love me as much as He says He does. Let alone accepting that my husband might actually love me despite my depression, my impatience, my need to be alone, my tendency to spend money when I am lost.

I just feel a right failure. If I'm honest, I guess I always have. I can't be perfect. But somehow that knowledge does not permeate deeply enough to prevent me from feeling like a failure in everything in life because I am not perfect at it all. If I can't do it perfectly, then I am a sham at everything. Being a perfectionist has made me a great attorney, I think, but a miserable everything else.

It's just at times like this that I can't see a way out.

I really felt the need to post these lyrics again. They speak so much to me every time I hear this song.

I really felt the need to post these lyrics again. They speak so much to me every time I hear this song.

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice (Come to Jesus)

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

...but on the bright side,

After I posted my last entry, Blogger presented me with an opportunity to make money from my blog by allowing Google to place ads related to my blog with Google AdSense.

The only thing I now wonder is what they would place in my blog. Anti-depressants? Armaments? Tranquilizers? Cages?

Food for thought.

It's hard to describe just how dark I feel right now. I almost leapt thru the computer screen to strangle Blogger when it dared to tell me that I had no blog associated with my account. Apparently Blogger didn't know how awful the day had been and thought it might be fun to toy with me. All is well on that front, as indicated by my typing here.

I can't quite describe why things are as bad as they are right now. But it's been long since I last felt this despondent, this dark, finding things this bleak. A very large part of it, I think, is having watched a friend struggle horribly this week. Her husband had a massive heart attack last Monday, June 25. So many of us banded together to pray for his recovery, and for a few (too) short hours, it seemed so promising. Rob started to recover, enough to kiss Aggie, to smile at her, to interact with her. But then things changed. All too suddenly, organs began to fail. And Aggie was faced with the horrible decision of what to do. She decided, after much prayer and struggle, to let Rob go.

I just feel that I failed her. I cannot think of any time in my life when I have prayed harder, more frequently, more fervently, or with more tears. I tried so hard to give her hope, but in the end, I did nothing. I feel empty, and I feel stupid for saying that, because Aggie is the one with true loss. All I did was fail.

But it's just hard to rebound from that feeling. That feeling that you put every little ounce of anything you had into something, just to watch someone, in the end, struggle so horribly and with so much pain. I do not regret for a second any time, energy, prayer, emotion, etc. that I spent, because I truly believe that Aggie will be a sister for life. But I just wish that I could have saved her this pain. And I wish that God would have.

I know that God's will is sovereign. I know that we will probably never understand His reasons. But it is so hard not to feel angry about this. God can heal anyone; why didn't He heal Rob? And please don't tell me that He has His reasons. I know that. I just feel cheated, because there was such hope there for a little bit. Why give that little bit of hope if, in the end, there is nothing more?

So I've cried most of today. Cried and raged. I've had no patience with the kids, and I feel like a horrible, angry, terrible, worthless mom. I know they are blessings, I know that so many are not able to have children. But selfishly, I just wanted to be able to lock myself away for a while today to cry and rage and sob and sleep. And you cannot do that when you children continue to pick on each other, antagonize each other, cry about each other picking on them, and fuss about every little thing. If this is sibling rivalry, I honestly think that I might not survive it. I now know why pharmacists created Xanex and Valium. I have to believe those would help.

I just feel angry and horribly sad and I have no where to put those emotions. I talked to Adam on the phone for a while today and just couldn't explain it. I don't think he could understand why I was so horribly depressed, and I guess I can't adequately explain it. All I know is that it was probably last summer, the last time I felt this lost.

"Living Hallelujah," Sarah Kelly

Who am I?
That you came to Earth for me
To die on a tree
Who are you?
Son of Man, Son of God
Yes I believe its true
More than words I bring to you
May all I say and may all I do

Be Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah to my king
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallellujah

All of me
I surrender completely
Take control
I want all of you and I am letting go
I am healed and Im forgiven
I am free because Im living

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah to my king
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah

Its all so clear
Its all so clear
I was born to worship
Its all so clear
Its all so clear
I was born to worship

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
May everything about me be
Hallelujah

"Lord Have Mercy" lyrics

Jesus, I've forgotten the words that you have spoken
Promises that burned within my heart have now grown dim
With a doubting heart i follow the paths of earthly wisdom
Forgive me for my unbelief
Renew the fire again

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have built an altar where I worship things of men
I have taken journeys that have drawn me far from you
Now i am returning to your mercies ever flowing
Pardon my transgressions
Help me love you again

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

I have longed to know you & your tender mercies
Like a river of forgiveness ever flowing without end
I bow my heart before you in the goodness of your presence
Your grace forever shining
Like a beacon in the night

Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Lord have mercy on me

Still Here Waiting - Todd Agnew

It's cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can't deny
I'm surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That's why I can't come home

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

I fail to see
Why You'd still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

You say, "Come home" and You'll be there
I can run into Your arms

I don't know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don't know why I can't remain
Safe here where I always came to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You're still here waiting

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice (Come to Jesus)

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

"Hold On" by Nichole Nordeman

I love these lyrics.

It will find you at the bottom of a bottle,
It will find you at the needle's end.
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow,
It will follow you into a stranger's bed.

It will find you when they serve you with the papers,
It will find you when the locks have changed again.
It will find you when you've called in all your favors,
It will meet you at the bridge's highest ledge.

So baby, don't look down -
it's a long way.
The sun will come around
to a new day.

So hold on,
Love will find you.
Hold on,
He's right behind you now.
Just turn around
and Love will find you.

It will find you when the doctor's head is shaking,
It will find you in a boardroom mostly dead.
It will crawl into the foxhole where you're praying,
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed.

So baby, don't believe that it's over.
Maybe you can't see 'round the corner.

So hold on,
Love will find you.
Hold on,
He's right behind you now.
Just turn around
and Love will find you.

To hang between two thieves in the darkness,
Love must believe you are worth it.

You're worth it.

So hold on,
Love will find you.
Hold on,
He's right behind you now.
Just turn around
and Love will find you.

What on earth is wrong with me?

There have been a couple of things I've learned about myself in the past couple of months. First, I'm almost completely emotionally closed off. For years, my brain has been automatically shuttling away emotions before they can manifest themselves. Angry? No problem - the brain will stuff that away here...next to the sadness, hostility, and rage. Secondly, my biggest issue is feeling like I just don't matter. Feeling that if I disappeared right now, there would be no detrimental impact to that. If I were a pebble, I feel like I would leave no rings if someone threw me in the water. I know, rationally, that it isn't possible for someone to be here on Earth without having even a little impact. At least one person would miss any given person on this earth who disappeared. And I'm an intelligent woman. So I would think that my intelligence would recognize the irrationality of my position that I don't matter.

But it doesn't.

I was sitting with a friend who is working with me on forgiveness. Forgiveness of Adam, forgiveness of Becky (I haven't gotten around to the latter yet. I have never hated and despised someone as much as I despise that latter...person.) but when I was listing the sins Adam had committed against me, a necessary part of this forgiveness voyage I'm taking, my friend noticed something. She observed that the actions that seemed to have hurt me the most weren't the ones she thought they would be. I wasn't hurt most by the fact that Adam had an affair with my friend...I was hurt most by his actions that indicated that he just didn't care about me, that I just didn't matter.

And it's been that thought that hurts the most. Getting to the core of things, the very darkest part of me is the part that convinces me that I just don't matter. It wouldn't make a difference if I was here or if I wasn't. I would never, ever hurt myself...this isn't a suicide note. This is just me wondering why I just can't believe that I make a difference. Why can't I just believe that people might actually love me? That people care about me and that I might just be an important, or at least valuable, part of their lives?

I really don't understand. I want to feel that I matter. I don't want my cheeks and jaw to ache anymore, like they do right now, from trying not to cry about this. And I would have to believe that it is completely counter-intuitive to my faith to not accept that at least God loves me truly. But I just seem to dismiss that, to not be able to embrace that.

It's just that every time I think about that, about this feeling of not mattering, I automatically start to cry, my heart breaks a little more. And for someone who hasn't been able to access emotions for the majority of her years on this planet, that is a little strange. I don't know what to do with this pain, and I don't know what to do with this loss. What do I do? How do you start to truly believe and/or feel that you matter, that you make a difference?

I hurt a truly close friend of mine yesterday. I had doublebooked on plans, so I backed out of my plans with my friend. I felt that the greater obligation was with the other plans I had made. But I really hurt my friend by doing that. So Adam and I ended up juggling things around and worked things out. And I apologized several times to my friend. But I think that this issue was at the heart of that. If I truly believe that I don't matter, then it is like removing vapor from the evening. There were going to be three of us at dinner, but my unconscious thought was that if I wasn't there, it didn't make any difference. I wasn't that valuable of a contribution anyway (acutally valueless, I suppose).

And so, since last night, I haven't stopped crying all that much. It hurts too much to realize that that's how I feel about myself. And I just don't know how to turn it around.

Miscellaneous update

Some neat things happening around here. I am starting to see the Holy Spirit working in our son, and that is very, very exciting for me. He is starting to think outside of himself, and to think of ways to make other people happy. It has been a long uphill journey to get to this point, but I am so excited about it! I think a lot of it is due to Adam and I being on the same page now too...both committed to raising our children to know God and to seek His wisdom in their lives.

I wrote about cleaning and organizing my scrap room. A very neat thing happened. I was driving home one day when God make His wishes known to me. I guess you could say God spoke to me. I didn't hear his voice, but His plan was instantly very clear to me...He spoke to my heart.

I had acquired so many supplies in a desperate attempt to buy happiness (which, of course, doesn't work). Six months ago, my neighbor mentioned a woman who is a missionary on a Native American reservation in far northern Canada. My neighbor mentioned that this woman (Nancee) uses scrapbooking in her ministry and would probably welcome any donations. My thought at that time was that I couldn't afford to donate...I needed to sell these things to make back some of the money I'd spent.

But on that drive home recently, God instructed me to give my scrapbooking supplies to Nancee. At the time, I didn't know her name. I just knew that He wanted my supplies to go to the Native American missionary. So when I got home, I called our neighbor and asked her about the missionary. Her response? "Oh! You mean Nancee! You aren't going to believe this...She's actually here! She very rarely comes back, but she's here right now for the next few days!"

So I called Nancee, who said she'd come right over. When she came over and saw my scrap room, she got tears in her eyes. She told me that they had just completely run out of supplies and hadn't known what they were going to do. Donations had dried up b/c the economy is so bad. She'd been praying that God would help her to continue her ministry. And what happened? God answered her prayers and helped me to erase 5.5 years' worth of guilt in the process!!!

Another neat thing: Nancee took one box back to where she was staying, just to go through. When she came back the next day to pick up some more boxes, she told me the coolest story. She and her daughter had gone to Walmart a couple of months ago. You have to understand that the town nearest to the reservation is several hours away, so going to Walmart is a very, very big deal. She and her daughter had each picked out a treat: Nancee had selected an eyelet-setting tool, and her daughter had picked out a package of fancy eyelets. When they finished shopping, they realized that they just did not have the money for those items, so they put them back (missionaries, of course, survive on donations, and those are very tight right now). But when she opened that first box of scrapping supplies, guess what items were on the top? That's right - - the very eyelet setting tool and eyelets that they had not been able to afford!!!! How awesome is our God???!!!!!!

So, about 75-80% of my scrapping supplies headed north for the very best possible use...as an instrument in leading people to God. And I am so very grateful to God for allowing me to see His work in progress. So often, His work is behind the scenes, or I am too unobservant to notice. But He showed so much grace by allowing me to see His work, by "creating beauty from ashes," as Nancee said. What had weighed down my heart and soul with guilt became a possible source of life and light for others. I am so, so grateful to Him!!

But wrapping this back around to our son, he blew me away the other day. Adam and the kids came home on a Saturday afternoon with a surprise for me. They had bought me a huge pad of scrapbooking paper at Hobby Lobby. Why? Ryan cited something he'd learned at church. (sidenote: neither Adam nor I are certain of the exact citation, as we can't find exactly what DS said, but we think it's Luke 6:38.) As Ryan stated, "to those who give much, much will be given."

That really floored me. The son with whom I've been struggling to get him to think outside of himself, coming up with that idea, with the addition of biblical support to back up his thinking. I'm hard-pressed to think of a prouder moment in my life to date. :-)

So that's the news here. I've got to sign off, as the young Napolean sitting behind me insists on visiting the Noggin site, and she's been quite patient up to now. May God bless you and keep you.

Sarah

Rejection, true friendship/love, and a new start

Today I am cleaning out my scraproom. We are getting ready to put the house up for sale. Adam and I went back and forth as to whether we should move. When one of us decided yes, the other decided no. We looked at some houses, and Adam found one he loved. I think his need to escape the "scene of the crime" is greater than mine, but I have to admit that a new start is intriguing. Additionally, we will move into the school district our son is attending, so we won't have to worry about losing his spot. (It is amazing, and somewhat disheartening, for me to think about just how many changes we have made as a result of Adam's affair. For one, I will never, ever, ever own or drive a silver Toyota Camry, and I have a primal kneejerk reaction of violence when I see one on the road.)

Anyway, I am blogging because I was thinking while I was cleaning. (surprising, I know). I was thinking about Adam. Obviously, his affair had a huge impact on me, and I do sometimes fear that my heart will never be whole again (I don't really see how it could be). But today I was thinking about the impact on him. More particularly, I was thinking what this affair revealed about other people around us. Some of the revelations were comforting. Others...not so much.

With one revolting exception, every friend or acquaintance we had who is a Christian has welcomed Adam with open arms. God has taken the one very bad friendship Adam had away by virtue of the affair, but has filled Adam's life with loving, true Christian men who hold Adam accountable and guide and support him through his new walk with Christ. As to the exception, I hold a greater grudge than Adam. I will forgive the friend, of course...I have to. But I find it hard to believe that a true follower of Christ would make Adam's mistake all about himself (the friend) and drop Adam like he was the Anti-Christ.

So that is the good news. Our lives are filling with Christian friends who love and accept Adam and I as faulty but loving followers of Christ.

The bad news is those who couldn't distance themselves quickly enough. There is one couple whom Adam and I love dearly who have continued to be supportive and caring. I have also learned a great deal from my parents. I think we both have. Honestly, had this happened to a daughter of mine, I don't think I could have forgiven the husband and continued to welcome him with open arms, volunteering to do whatever I could to help them put things back together again. But they have, and I continue to be amazed by their response. I think a lot of that is God's work, but much of the credit goes to my parents, who have opened their hearts to accepting Adam as a man trying to change with God's help.

It just makes me sad that other people just could not run away from Adam fast enough. They couldn't establish great enough a distance from him, as though his mistakes were contageous or reflective. How must that feel? How must it feel to know that some people will run when you really screw up? Perhaps in order to preserve their self-view as infalliable and unrelated to the black sheep's behavior.

I feel badly for Adam in that context. He says it doesn't bother him, but I can't understand how it wouldn't. Personally, I would feel abandoned, as though I was somehow unworthy of unconditional love or friendship. But I hope he is being truthful with me...I hope it doesn't bother him. I hope that God has healed that part of his heart, and that the flow of support and love from our church, our good true friends, and others who have remained steadfast in their love and support for Adam has taken away the sting of discovering who would not support him in the aftermath of his mistakes.