It's hard to describe just how dark I feel right now. I almost leapt thru the computer screen to strangle Blogger when it dared to tell me that I had no blog associated with my account. Apparently Blogger didn't know how awful the day had been and thought it might be fun to toy with me. All is well on that front, as indicated by my typing here.

I can't quite describe why things are as bad as they are right now. But it's been long since I last felt this despondent, this dark, finding things this bleak. A very large part of it, I think, is having watched a friend struggle horribly this week. Her husband had a massive heart attack last Monday, June 25. So many of us banded together to pray for his recovery, and for a few (too) short hours, it seemed so promising. Rob started to recover, enough to kiss Aggie, to smile at her, to interact with her. But then things changed. All too suddenly, organs began to fail. And Aggie was faced with the horrible decision of what to do. She decided, after much prayer and struggle, to let Rob go.

I just feel that I failed her. I cannot think of any time in my life when I have prayed harder, more frequently, more fervently, or with more tears. I tried so hard to give her hope, but in the end, I did nothing. I feel empty, and I feel stupid for saying that, because Aggie is the one with true loss. All I did was fail.

But it's just hard to rebound from that feeling. That feeling that you put every little ounce of anything you had into something, just to watch someone, in the end, struggle so horribly and with so much pain. I do not regret for a second any time, energy, prayer, emotion, etc. that I spent, because I truly believe that Aggie will be a sister for life. But I just wish that I could have saved her this pain. And I wish that God would have.

I know that God's will is sovereign. I know that we will probably never understand His reasons. But it is so hard not to feel angry about this. God can heal anyone; why didn't He heal Rob? And please don't tell me that He has His reasons. I know that. I just feel cheated, because there was such hope there for a little bit. Why give that little bit of hope if, in the end, there is nothing more?

So I've cried most of today. Cried and raged. I've had no patience with the kids, and I feel like a horrible, angry, terrible, worthless mom. I know they are blessings, I know that so many are not able to have children. But selfishly, I just wanted to be able to lock myself away for a while today to cry and rage and sob and sleep. And you cannot do that when you children continue to pick on each other, antagonize each other, cry about each other picking on them, and fuss about every little thing. If this is sibling rivalry, I honestly think that I might not survive it. I now know why pharmacists created Xanex and Valium. I have to believe those would help.

I just feel angry and horribly sad and I have no where to put those emotions. I talked to Adam on the phone for a while today and just couldn't explain it. I don't think he could understand why I was so horribly depressed, and I guess I can't adequately explain it. All I know is that it was probably last summer, the last time I felt this lost.