I wanted to post to let everyone know that I am feeling better. With God's grace and a new medication, I've crawled out of that terrible pit I was in. I know that there is a purpose in this depression. It certainly makes me empathetic to those fellow sufferers.

I should be working on a big project right now, but I am hoping that God will bless this time that I am taking to write this and that He will open up some other time for me to work on what I need to do. I am hoping that I am right in believing that He would have me break from researching in order to write this.

I'm not even certain of what to write. But God is impressing upon me just how bad this last depression was. It was terrible, and it was frightening. I would never ever kill myself b/c I would neither want to risk my eternal salvation nor want to put my family through that terrible pain. But in this last bout with Depression, I believe I was as horrifically depressed, as close to the edge, as one could get without committing suicide.

Every breath was an effort. I just didn't care enough to breathe. To eat. To speak. To live. It was black, terrifying, suffocating, deadly.

I guess I write this because while I did actually let my husband and my mother know, mostly at the time (more toward the middle/end of the struggle), how terribly bleak things were, I didn't talk to others about it. After I started the new prescription and began clawing my way back (with God's help), I confided in a close friend about how dark things had been.

I didn't wear all black. I didn't stop showering or washing my hair or wearing makeup. I didn't cry all day or break into dramatic tears in the grocery store. I was certainly less engaging with others, but I think that might have been the extent of the external signs of the depression.

I *think* the point I am making is this: while there are certainly external signs of depression to watch for, someone can still be standing on the brink without showing the more obvious signs. The smile you give a stranger, the kindness you show while driving, the "hello" or "how are you" you opt to speak even though rushed, might make the difference in that stranger's battle that day.

We all have different battles. I just know that in mine, the times that someone met my eye or smiled, or just showed a kindness...those were the times that I could live with just a little less struggle for the next few minutes.

If God prompts you to pray for someone, and you have no idea why, please pray. If you struggle with depression, find someone you can trust and share some of your thoughts with them (even if you can't share the scariest or darkest ones). If your reason for living isn't God or isn't your family, find that one reason that you must live and hold onto it as your life jacket. Do not let go. Please risk confiding in someone that you just can't do it anymore, it's too tiring, and you just don't care enough to keep holding on.

Just don't give up.