Today I decided to try mowing the lawn. It's something Adam's always done or hired out to a high school student. I knew that I would have trouble starting the mower, but I was full of an "I Shall Overcome" mood and decided to do it.

It was awful.

Seven hours later, I still cry when I think about it. Part of it was my fault for not eating before I took on the challenge. If ever there is a terrible time for my blood sugar to crash, of course it's going to crash then. As it did mid-mowing session. Before that, I struggled to get the mower started, I couldn't figure out how to reattach the grass bag after struggling to lug it over to the yard cart, and I ran over several Invisible Fence yard flags. This project was doomed from the start.

Sixty minutes, several breakdowns, too many starting struggles to count, two very scary hill experiences (yes, your lawn mower will try to roll back on you if you don't have the strength to push it up a steep hill), three spoonfuls of peanut butter, and a lot of tears later, I only have the front yard mowed.

I think the issue comes down to anger and resentment. I am so angry at Adam that he left me to do this. I am so incredibly pissed at him that he doesn't care whether the lawn mower rolls backward on me. I almost hate him for leaving everything behind for me to do. I say "almost" because I'm not a person who hates people. Someone would have to be pretty egregiously evil for me to hate. Sometimes I wonder whether abandoning your sick wife and three kids qualifies. There are times I think it does.

It is so difficult being a single mother. It's even more difficult when you add in the amount of emotional pain that stems from being abandoned. It's overwhelming when you add in a chronic illness and high levels of daily pain. Throw in an aging house and large lawn with constant needs, and I sometimes feel like I'm drowning. How does someone just abandon their life without a second thought? How do you just walk away and say, "Sayonara! Have fun trying to survive!" Could you, the reader, ever imagine leaving your children behind? Imagine your spouse being sick (unfortunately, I know some of you don't have to imagine)...could you cheat on that spouse with someone else and just decide that you're sick of having a sick spouse and walk away? I used to believe there were certain thresholds for decency that people wouldn't cross. I guess I don't believe that anymore.

I really hurt right now, both physically and emotionally. I know I will be in terrible physical shape tomorrow...I just did too much. I shouldn't have pushed it trying to mow the lawn. In this new life alone, I'm going to have to figure out what I can and cannot do. Clearly, I cannot mow the yard. It's just too much. I hope I will feel better tomorrow emotionally. I hate these down times when grief and anger push in on me. I succeeded in not crying in front of the kids, but now that Adam has come to get them, I guess it's fair to let the tears fall. I don't understand why life has to be like this. There are times that I want to shake my fist and say, "Really God?  More pain? It hasn't been enough? Cheating spouse, heart attack, overwhelming physical pain for six years, scary diagnoses, and then again with the cheating spouse. Isn't this enough?" I know that God would be okay with me doing that because He gave me this emotions. He is okay with me expressing my sorrow, grief, and rage. He doesn't love me any less for breaking down and sobbing.

The goodness in this is that I know He has a plan. He didn't cause Adam to flake out on our marriage, but He isn't surprised by it either. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. God is working on me and building me through this situation. He is drawing me near and carrying me through this. For all of my frantic attempts at orchestrating the meeting of all the needs I foresee, God keeps reminding me of Exodus 14:14: "The Lord will fight for you: you need only to be still." So I am relaxing my hands and trying to refrain from grabbing at things. I'm trying to purge the thought that only I will look after myself and that I cannot depend on anyone else to look after me. I am working on trusting God to meet all of my needs.

Interestingly enough, I ran into Adam's girlfriend this past weekend. They've been together almost two years now...Adam and I have only been separated for a few months. God most certainly was with me that day. In all of my angry fantasies about running into her, I never once fantasized about handling the situation the way I did. That will be a story for another time, as I hurt pretty badly right now. I think it's time to call this day to an end and go to bed.