A letter of advice

A friend of mine is celebrating her tenth anniversary with her husband today. I am going to their party with one of my dearest friends as my date. I really couldn't have a better date for this event.

I made a card for them this afternoon, but it just wasn't complete. So I sat down and wrote them a letter about marriage. It's probably strange coming from a woman whose marriage is on life support. Nonetheless, I thought I'd post it here. I've just eliminated their names, as well as my husband's name.

A Letter Regarding Marriage

I want to congratulate you on your celebration of ten years of marraige. Somehow, a card didn't seem enough, so I started to write this. It probably seems very strange for a woman going through what I am experiencing to write a letter with marital advice, but I think the problems (dH) and I are having have given me insight into what should have been different. Into what our marriage should have been.

I write this assuming that you two have not and will not experience the pain cause by infidelity. One of my greatest wishes for you both is that you never do. But I'm hoping maybe I can write something that will help you both keep your marriage as strong as it can possibly be.

[personal paragraph omitted]

I guess what I would tell you two from my experience is this. (None of this advice is new - these are things we've all heard before. But looking back now at what I thought I had, I can see the incredible importance of these facts.) Marriage is active. It is not something passive that exists simply becaause you two have entered into vows together. It is always growing, always changing, always adapting (for better or for worse.) Please put your marriage first. Above all else but your relationship with God. Your marriage cannot survive because you have children together. It can survive because every day you decide to put your best and your all into this relationship.

Be on the lookout for fading connections. I always thought I would recognize if we fell into that rut that everyone described. The condition of existing as parents, but not as partners. The existence in which we circled the children as orbiting planets that did not share a common denominator other than our incredible babies. But it sneaks up on you without you realizing it. Although it is incredibly hard work, I encourage you to examine your relationship daily in the light of a new day. Is there something you can say to encourage your partner, even though you may not have the energy? Even though you may have had a disagreement the night before? What can you say or do today to show each other that they are truly your other, possibly better, half?

Don't ever let a disagreement live. Don't agree to disagree. Compromise. Don't walk away angry. If you need a break before saying something you will regret, take five minutes. Ten minutes. But come back and talk through the disagreement. Anger and sorrow left unaddressed thrive and become something ugly. Negative emotions not aired become a cancer that will eat at the foundation of your marraige. Talk about eveything, no matter how silly, embarrassing, painful, or angering it my be. This is the person you want to grow old with. The person you want to retire with. The person you want to see with your grandchildren. The person whom you secretly hope you will die before, so you will never have to live without them. Don't let unspoken anger erode that, because it will.

That is the most important advice, I believe. Talk about everything. When it is still relevant (although later is better than never.) Don't wait until it all builds up and anger causes you to speak words that cannot be rescinded. Although you can apologize, words spoken can never be erased, and hurtful words can break a heart.

Loving someone means putting them before yourself. It sounds trite and/or impossible. Even if you rarely succeed at this, the few times you do will do incredible things for the strength of your marriage. Love means having faith that your spouse will do the same. It means trusting that your spouse will put their everything into your relationship, just as you do.

You two are each, in your own right, amazing people with incredible strength. Raising children who will be strong, intelligent, giving people is the best thing you can do for the world. Putting your marraige and each other first is the best thing you can do for yourselves. Your children will learn from you how love and marriage should be. From all I can see, they have an incredible model before them.

Congratulations and blessings to you both.

With love,
Sarah