Dear God...please bleach my mind or turn back time

I truly wish He would. I wish that He would selectively erase those parts of my mind that recognize that my husband had an affair with my friend. I wish He would erase that friend from my mind altogether. I wish He would turn back time so that my husband would have the option of making different choices. I wish He would eradicate that part of my brain in charge of emotions so I just wouldn't have to feel this much pain.

This is a day on which I just don't think I can take it anymore. I can't take the pain, rage, sorrow anymore. If I cry any more, I'll be dehydrated, I think. I just can't comprehend how the actions of two people could hurt so incredibly much. I'm at a point today where I was when this first came out...in so much pain and sorrow that I feel as though I'm trying to crawl out of my body. I just can't really stand to be in this body right now. If I could unzip my skin, crawl out, and leave my emotions behind, I would in a heartbeat.

If I hadn't opened the email from the truly evil woman who claims to have been my friend but was actually having an affair with my husband, I might be better. So yes...I should probably blame myself. But you know what? I won't. Had they not had an affair, I wouldn't have had the option to open this email and have all of this pain revisit me. So I'm just going to stick that blame where it belongs.

It makes me physically ill to read an email in which this woman claims that she's been on a journey led by God. (Last time I checked, God did not cause people to sin. And He took marriage very seriously...therefore, using my incredible skills of deduction, God did not lead her on a journey to adultery with my husband. I knew that law degree would come in handy.) It hollows out my stomach to see her write that she "was trying to do the right thing by everyone." (Interesting to know that having an affair with your close friend's husband is the right thing. Note to self: make no more friends.) Her claim to have done "all [she] could to help [me] in any way possible" makes my head spin.

I don't think I've ever before wanted to hurt someone physically. I certainly do today. I"m not sure I would hit the brakes if I saw her standing in the middle of the road. I guess I'd swerve, just because I do want to go to Heaven. But maybe my car would hip-check her a bit. I wouldn't lose sleep over that.

I'm just not sure the human body was made to hold this much pain. I want so, so badly just to crawl out of my body and leave this pain behind.