How does somebody fool themselves? I guess we all do it to some extent...convincing ourselves that the last daring haircut we got wasn't that bad. Or convincing ourselves that we were justified in snapping at our spouse because, darn it, we'd asked them five times to pick up their clothes!

But how exactly does someone ignore reality and twist it to suit their purposes?

Those of you who know me know that I'm going somewhere with this. I just get caught up in establishing the background so I don't lose anyone. I do that in conversation too, which leads to misunderstandings and/or glazed eyes. It's a fault. But at least I haven't fooled myself into thinking it's not...

But I digress. My husband called me this morning. It was just the baby and me, as our son is at all-day YMCA camp, and our other daughter is spending her week in bliss, having her Baba and Papa all to herself.

He called about 8:20 and left a message asking me to call him back. I'd been lying in bed with a pillow over my head, trying to convince a migraine through sheer will that it did not want to set up residence. I'd been keeping audial tabs on my daughter, springing up from time to time when she got silent, as her silence results in emptied bottles of shampoo, overflowing toilets, or Crisco smeared all over her room (don't ask.)

When I called him back, he said,"She emailed me." Of course, we both knew who "she" is. "She*" is my former friend, his former fling, the wench who, along with my husband, threw my entire heart and life for (hopefully) the biggest loop I could imagine.

"She" emailed him because "She" "needs answers." "She" feels that "she" deserves answers. "She" feels that "she" is a victim. "She" feels that he owes her answers.

I should back up and explain. When my husband first told me she'd written him, I initially thought I'd email her a vicious response telling her exactly what she deserved. After all, this is the woman who promised me that she'd never contact my husband again. Obviously I couldn't request that of her as a friend, as she'd never been a true friend. So I requested that of her as a woman who'd been wronged by her husband before. I truly thought that she would be able to think back to the pain caused by her husband's affair and rely on that in order to fulfill her promise to me not to contact my husband.

Obviously this is a woman incapable of thinking of anyone but herself. I should have known that, obviously, but I honestly thought that having been hurt by an affair in the past, she would be capable of stepping outside of her own twisted, selfish needs.

Obviously not. I am a fool.

She claims that she is a victim. That she deserves answers. That my husband took advantage of her. Essentially, that it is all his fault.

I intended not to read it. I was going to just forward it to a friend for safekeeping, as I couldn't let it sit in my Inbox and pollute my environment. But as I started to forward it, I started to read it. My hands started to shake, and my heart started to race. The nerve of that selfish, twisted, insensitive, lying *itch!!! Then I found myself responding.

The point of responding? Nothing, really. My email is set up to permanently delete any message from her without me ever seeing it, because I am weak. I tend to open her rubbish and let it throw me into a tail spin. And I can't take many more tailspins. I've already had my anti-depressant increased once...any more and I'll likely become an oblivious, drooling nincompoop. (although that doesn't sound too shabby on some days lately). But I was so angry by the nerve she must have to have painted herself as an honest, giving, caring woman who was taken advantage of that it was either vomiting or responding. Those were my two choices.

So I responded. I told her that she is pathetic and beyond redemption. I told her that she gave me quite the laugh in portraying herself as, and I quote, "a woman who lives her life by honesty and the Golden Rule." [Note to self: Golden Rule has obviously changed to include having affairs with friends' husbands as a guiding principle for our lives. I'd better get on that one, no pun intended.]
I told her to stop wasting her oxygen and energy in portraying herself to anyone as a noble victim, although if she wanted to break her arm patting herself on the back, she could be my guest. I told her that this was my final communication to her and that she is not to contact any member of my family from now on. That I will take any and all precautions necessary to ensure that she will not be in contact with my family members or myself.

This is truly a twisted, confused, pathetic wretch. But I take satisfaction in knowing that if answers from my husband are what she seeks, she'll never get them. He'll not contact her. That is the premise on which our precarious marriage now wobbles. I hope that in time, our marriage will have a basis of true, honest, open love and faith, but that will take time. Right now, nothing is certain, and that is frightening.

I know he's trying. I know he's changing. I know he hates the man he was, as do I. I just don't know how you move beyond this pain to the newer relationship. I guess it takes time...everyone tells me that.

But of course, hearing from this psychopatic *itch doesn't help.

There is a friend's wedding coming up. All of us were invited. My husband and I will not be attending, as we did not wish to overshadow the bride and groom's wonderful day with the drama in which we are involved. But the dark, revenge-seeking part of me truly hopes that the *itch attends and is incredibly snubbed. I hope all the other wives refuse to talk to her and keep her from their husbands. I hope people whisper about her and point at her. I hope she has the most miserable time of her life, and I hope her life goes to the toilet.

I still cannot believe she had the nerve and twisted ability to portray herself as a woman who "lives by honesty and the Golden Rule."

Give me a break. Please.


*Feel free to substitute the appropriate term for "she."